


Viande froide (Cold meat)

by lou96



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cold Weather, Dead Carla Yeager, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eren is not doing well, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, Fake Happiness, Falling In Love, Fluffy Ending, Grisha Yeager's Bad Parenting, Levi would be there for him, Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, M/M, Mental Breakdown, My First Fanfic, Nightmares, Sad and Happy, anger issues, learning to live, maybe a little dark, sad laugh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:40:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25497748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lou96/pseuds/lou96
Summary: Strangely, in his moments of reflection and self-derision, Eren began to laugh. Not a laugh of joy or pure happiness, but a laugh of dismay, of madness, of ill-being.It wasn't a shy laugh that no-one would have been able to hear but rather the one that we have heard in the dark corridors, where the doors are closed to double-towers and one would have hoped to never find the key. His laugh was loud, uncontrollable and there was no explanation for its abrupt outburst. He himself was unaware of the reason for his sudden highs.Maybe he was simply crazy.
Relationships: Levi & Eren Yeager, Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 12
Kudos: 77





	1. The Fall

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notbad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notbad/gifts).



> Hello lovely people!
> 
> This is my first story on AO3. I wanted to give a little gift to my wonderful friend Gabi. His fics are amazing <3
> 
> And I also want to say a HUGE thank you for his help in editing/cleaning/reading the English version!

It was cold. So cold, the trembling of his limbs was not enough to increase his body heat. Eren was scared, but his tears failed to flow as the cold paralyzed his whole being. How had he got there? Maybe he was to blame for his woes.

-

He had long stopped caring about his own well-being, even before having fallen so low. Several had told him that as a youngster he was a playful child, loved by everyone. His smile was infectious, and his joy of life transpired the hearts of strangers. 

As he grew up, the times and the seasons had become duller in his eyes. Eren didn't see the colors in the same way, nor did he marvel at the small joys of life. It was long thought that his change of attitude was attributed to his transition to adulthood. Of course, as we get older, the world doesn’t seem as magical as when we were children. A bed of sun wasn’t as nice, a meal wasn’t as good, a friendship wasn’t as important, work wasn’t as fun, and giving a smile wasn’t as sincere as when one was a child.

His achievements had seemed quite appropriate as he continued to live, without realizing the time that passed. The days were succeeding, and his smiles seemed to dupe all those who passed before him. He was often smiling but the latter always failed to reach his eyes. More often than anything else, he bit his lower lip in the attempt to hold back a wave of emotion that would have overwhelmed him. 

_Yes_ , he thought, _being an adult meant to be unhappy_. Often he had lingered late in the evenings; not in bed but curled in on the floor, wondering if this was being old. 

Strangely, in his moments of reflection and self-derision, Eren began to laugh. Not a laugh of joy or pure happiness, but a laugh of dismay, of madness, of ill-being. It wasn't a shy laugh that no-one would have been able to hear but rather the one that we have heard in the dark corridors, where the doors are closed to double-towers and one would have hoped to never find the key. His laugh was loud, uncontrollable and there was no explanation for its abrupt outburst. 

He himself was unaware of the reason for his sudden highs. Maybe he was simply crazy. The tears were usually following his sessions of hilarity and violent cough reminded him that breathing was necessary for his survival. Indeed, Eren had to live. The reason was simple; it was what was expected of him.

Sometimes while looking at his colleagues, Eren wondered if they too spent nights doubting the reason for their existence. If they also lost the reason and couldn't retain their laugh in the face of life. 

It was no real surprise that his eyes were sometimes closing from tiredness on the way back to his house. Often, it was when he was driving his car but there was no real concern since this was normal for an adult. When he had to take the train to return to his car, Eren would fall asleep on the way home from work. The seat seemed to always be welcoming, and the warmth of the train wasn't helping in keeping his mind awake. 

It would be expected that an adult doesn't have dreams like when they were children; that the nightmares of his youth would have ceased to be. Maybe he wasn't completely an adult since when Eren fell asleep in the train, he would have the same vivid dreams from his childhood. His nightmares mostly began the same way; there was a ceiling above his head where small holes could be seen. Eren was usually lying on his back in his dream, unable to move or to talk while he was being forced to look at the display above him. As he watched the apparition in front of him, the little holes seemed to expand. They were black and endless. 

The holes were becoming more and more vast, while the breathing of Eren would become erratic in facing the changing of their size. He didn't understand why he was so afraid of the holes growing on the ceiling, or why he couldn't take his eyes from this nonsense while his whole being seemed to want to flee. 

The unknown of his evil had never seemed logical to his family. Late at night, his parents would look with terror Eren wrestling in his bed, screaming for help. To the extent that the same scenario was repeated each week, his parents had finally told him that it was night terrors, and they should stop as he ages. However, his cries in the night had not ceased as the years passed. He had never understood why that ceiling haunted him since youth. Maybe Eren was crazy since childhood.

-

The cold that surrounded him at the moment seemed to want all of his attention. Yeah, Eren shouldn't cry, he deserved what was happening to him. 

Each morning, Eren repeated to himself that he should stop being a burden to others. An adult would never have done what he has done. Eren had to pay the price because he was the only one at fault in this story.


	2. A Cold Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn't take it anymore. It was bubbling from the inside. The sounds, the smell of strangers around him, and the feeling of having to meet new people.

It was a day that had begun in the same way for Levi; he had risen before dawn, his dial still sleeping on his dresser and indicating a little after 4 o'clock in the morning. Sleep was something he had learned to tolerate without really appreciating the idea of having to depend on it to function properly. Over the years, his nights had shortened to finally reach the minimum required for Levi to be able to simply understand when his name was mentioned in a sentence.

_I didn't live_ , he thought as he watched the sun rays quietly illuminate the trees surrounding his land, _I_ _simply existed_.

Levi was once a bureaucrat for some finance company that managed the portfolio of the wealthiest. However, he hadn't been able to work more than 5 years there. Too much for him. The city choked him; the world seemed dirty and carefree from the real torment of having to live sticking like sardines on each other. One day when he got up, Levi resigned without a look at his colleagues, boss, or clients. He hadn't justified his departure, simply sentan email giving two weeks ' notice and a note saying that he didn't want a goodbye party.

Within days of his resignation, Levi had also sold his apartment and all his material assets to keep only the bare minimum. He had never been the type to attach himself to his possessions or to care about the opinion of others about his departure. He couldn't take it anymore. It was bubbling from the inside. The sounds, the smell of strangers around him, and the feeling of having to meet new people. 

Levi had to leave quickly, otherwise he would have been forced to sleep in a room much dirtier than his company's toilet. 

He hadn't looked long before finding a new job outside the city. His new career consisted of maintaining order on a cottage site. Nothing exciting and nothing requiring any specific qualifications, other than the duty to keep the location clean and monitor for any misconduct. Mainly young cottage tenants.

The cottage given to Levi was directly placed on the field of chalets to facilitate his inspections and be able to respond to any emergency without hesitating. His place was immaculate. He had done himself an honor to maintain the exterior appearance of it just as respectfully as the interior.

It was the beginning of winter and quietly but surely the soil was covered with a thin layer of snowflakes. The lake in front of his residence showed signs of an approaching cold start. The sound of the phone was what broke the tranquility of this morning. The other person at the end of the line informed him that a new tenant would arrive in the day and that he would be placed directly in the cottage next to Levi's. Nothing surprising. But rare were those who rented a cottage during the winter season. 

Renewed by a sense of obligation and cleanliness, Levi prepared for his day. He now held a thermos to keep his tea boiling for the rest of the morning. Armed with cleaning products, a mop and a coat on his shoulders, he set out in the direction of the neighboring lodge.

The journey wasn't long to get to the cottage located on the water's edge. Levi's footprints on the thin layer of snow were the only indication betraying his presence. The wind was calm as he arrived on the edge of the door of the soon-to-be new tenant. The anticipation of being able to clean, to get lost in a series of rubs and sweats made him feel a little lighter in his shoes. 

Levi had always loved to tidy up and have the feeling that he had given everything to satisfy his needs. He had never understood why he wasn't content to simply use a dishwasher, washer, or any other appliances to facilitate household chores. He knew that his time could be halved if he used the amenities at his disposal. However, he wasn't able to let go of the ease.

_You don't need that luxury,_ Levi thought, as he opened the door to the lodge. Indeed, the man in his thirties had always had this kind of reflection. He didn't deserve the path of ease, but rather hard work and painful aches after a grueling day. Levi had mastered the art of increasing the time to do something. His cleaning sessions could spread over a full day, which he repeated regularly. Instead of taking his car, Levi walked distances of more than 20 km to simply pick up a book in a bookstore. All this, in order to have a feeling of exhaustion and an overdose of endorphins confusing his troubled mind, at the end of the day.

The sound of a car parked in the entrance to the cottage was the only signal Levi heard to understand that the new tenant had arrived. Of course, He had finished washing the kitchen, the fridge, the bathroom, changing the bed sheets, scouring the shower and washing the floors. 

His cheeks were red from effort, drenched in sweat, his white shirt clung to his torso, his sweater was sweat bonded to his body, and his eyes were tinged with fatigue from working like a dog. It was usually the same routine for Levi; the new tenant arrives, asks who Levi was, how to light the fireplace and where the nearest grocery store was. 

As the footsteps of a newcomer made their way to the front door, Levi took the initiative to head to the front door to meet them. Only nothing happened. He stood, waiting for the door to open and explain his presence, but the stranger had not signaled to open the door.

A sigh was all that could be heard, and then nothing. Levi didn't understand what was going on. Maybe the reception had mentioned him in the cottage and the new tenant preferred to wait until he was gone concluded Levi. 

Feeling tired of having to meet the new tenant, whose name Levi would soon forget. He headed to the back of the residence and discreetly opened the door to leave. 

As Levi returned to his lodge, he couldn't help but look towards the nearby cottage. There, on the edge of the front door, Levi sighted the stranger. The tenant hadn't returned, had no coat or bag indicating the length of his stay. He was simply sitting on the floor, curled up with his head resting on his knees.

A shiver passed through Levi as he finally detached his eyes from the strange silhouette on the porch. Making his way a step slower towards his own cottage, Levi couldn't help but take a final look at the residence by the water. The stranger was still sitting on the ground but this time his face was oriented in the direction of the lake.

_Who are you?_

Levi finally reached his cottage to disappear hesitantly inside; his mind now troubled by the man who wasn't cold.


	3. Devil-May-Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Locking himself in the only toilet with a door, Eren closed his eyes, taking his head in his hands. He took a few seconds to enjoy the silence. Eren reopened his eyes to slowly read an ad on the toilet door, not understanding it’s words. 
> 
> "Get out of here!"

"Yeager!" This was what stopped Eren in his march to the exit. "You're still coming tonight to celebrate the new contract the agency got, right?"

The mention of his name had made him automatically smile without any real joy in doing so. _No_ , that's all Eren meant. _Let me go. I need to be alone, I need to breathe again, I need to sleep._ Why was it so easy for others to maintain their facades when he was so tired coming back every night from work?

"Yeah, sounds fun! I just forgot - _rejected_ – that it was tonight. " He forced himself to laugh. " You know me, I love - _hate_ \- being with everyone."

Eren was an idiot. Unable to say what he thought, fearing that others would know the truth; that he had reached his limit. _An adult_ , he recalled, _is subject to his reality_. The echo of his beating heart to the sound of his own anxiety prevented him from understanding the rest of the conversation with his colleague.

Friday night meant he had to take his car to work because the last train was too early to get home. _The Smiling Titan_ was the name of the bar where Eren's advertising agency would regularly party. He never liked the place. He didn't know if it was the name of the place or the obligation to have to socialize outside of work but a strange feeling in his stomach always followed his entry into the bar.

Eren recognized without seeing the voices of his colleagues as he slowly stepped towards his imminent execution. The alcohol had just been served as he sat next to Armin, his cubicle neighbor. Hired for less than a year, the latter had easily integrated into the team and was quickly respected for his intelligence and analytical ability. Despite his ability to deduce and perceive, he had never pointed out to Eren that he seemed gloomy or lost in his thoughts. 

Following the death of his mother, Eren had noticed that smiling was the best way to avoid attracting attention. He must have seemed to have no worries, no problems. He would not know how to react to any confrontation over his strange behavior.

As the evening stretched, Eren began to sincerely regret having accepted this night out. He was exhausted. He had barely touched his beer and the rest of the group seemed to want to continue until the wee hours of the morning. Seeking to change the negative ideas that began to crack Eren's mask, he got up to go to the toilet in the back of the bar.

Locking himself in the only toilet with a door, Eren closed his eyes, taking his head in his hands. He took a few seconds to enjoy the silence. Eren reopened his eyes to slowly read an ad on the toilet door, not understanding its words. _Get out of here!_

Eren read the words with a frown before seeing, in the corner of the ad, the name of a company that rents out cottage land outside of the city. The words resonated in his mind. Impulsively, Eren took his phone from his jean's pocket. 

"I want to rent a cottage for the week please," His voice was steady as he spoke. Eren didn't bother to ask his boss to take the week off. He had never taken a vacation in two years and he knew that he wouldn't be denied this respite.

Eren retraced the path to his colleagues, this time a small smile that was not calculated but relieved. The evening finally ended around midnight and Eren was finally able to return home. He didn't bother to change as he was already writing an email to his boss telling him he would be back to the office in a week. He would have usually panicked at the thought of disturbing the rest of his colleagues but the ad on the toilet returns to haunt him. _Get out of here._

Suddenly taken by courage that he didn't possess, Eren sent the email and hurried to make a small bag with barely enough to hold for two days. He didn't need to change clothes every day, he just wanted to destress and get away from his nightmares for a week.

-

 _Fool._ Eren slipped in front of the door of his cottage without bothering to open it. _What did you think you could accomplish by just leaving like this?_ He hadn't been able to wait until Sunday to go and take possession of his rental. Saturday had been a whirlwind of regret and he had stressed all night after sending his email. 

Fearing to change his mind again, Eren left without taking his linen bag or coat. He simply had his wallet and phone to guide him to the cottage grounds. The lady at the reception didn't formalize his sudden arrival and told him that someone had already cleaned his cottage.

Eren sighed heavily, leaning on the still closed door. The cold did not bother him. He remained inert for a few minutes before slowly lifting his head to look at the lake in front of him. It wasn't yet frozen by the cold. 

_Perfect,_ he thought, _swimming shouldn’t be hard to learn_.

This week, Eren stops being a coward.


	4. The Bleat of Distant Horns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green...? No, thought Levi, a mesmerizing blend of green, blue, and gold. 
> 
> He seemed to have forgotten the reason for his coming.

Levi didn't trust people. He knew better than blindly believing someone without doubts about their honesty. The owner of the land and incidentally patron, Hange Zoë, had quickly realized that Levi wasn't the type to open easily. Of course, she did not formalize in any way. Levi's cold and disinterested attitude seemed to push Hange to question him, if not more than normal.

"Do you have any family around? A lover? A family? A cat? Do you think Titans exist? Oh! Let me show you my research on the subject! I think..."

Hange had constantly bombarded him with questions and theories about the possible existence of humanity’s close cousin, Titans, during his interview. What was supposed to be a simple meeting had been an entire evening of one-way conversation and simple nodding from Levi. _He preferred not to get involved with others_. This is indeed what he had said to himself before he saw his strange neighbor sitting on the floor.

When he had returned to his cottage, Levi had taken the time to inquire about the new tenant. He had learned that the man was there for the week and that he had come alone. He didn't know the name of the tenant, nor did he know if he was already familiar with the land regulations. Attempting to chase the strange feeling in his belly, Levi handed over his boots and coat to head back to the nearby cottage. _Just for the usual greetings, nothing else._

Arriving in front of the cottage door, Levi knocked without missing a beat. The blows resounded without a sound in response being perceived. Not being a patient man when agitated, he tried again but with more intensity in his gestures.

"I'm coming! Wait a minute!" A male voice answered behind the door.

He didn't expect to hear a jovial voice coming from the cottage. Nor to see two big green eyes as beautiful as their owner was. _Green...? No,_ thought Levi, _a mesmerizing blend of green, blue, and gold._ He seemed to have forgotten the reason for his coming. He contemplated the man in front of him, his gaze gently ranging from the hair of a chocolate brown to a face of an unnamed beauty. Bright eyes, a straight nose, a mouth made to be kissed, square shoulders and…

"Can I help you, sir...?" The handsome stranger now had a delicious blush on his cheekbones.

"Levi. My name is Levi." Levi didn't seem to be able to say more without continuing to fixate on the man.

"All right, Mr. Levi; did you have a reason to come knocking?" Always politely, the man now seemed confused by his presence.

"Just Levi is fine, and I came to introduce myself; I am the caretaker and I live in the cottage next door." Levi had talked in his calm and monotone voice. _Breathe Levi, breathe._

"Ah! Yes, I was informed of your presence on the land." The man stretched out his hand, now smiling at Levi. "My name is Eren, nice to meet you."

The meeting had followed with the explanation of the operation of the chimney, the location of the grocery store and regulations regarding the noise at night. Eren had seemed to be a friendly. He had smiled throughout the explanations and seemed comfortable with Levi's presence. 

Only after Levi had gone over in his head the fact that Eren was beautiful and his bottom did justice to his front, he suddenly remembered the first time he had seen Eren. _Sitting on the floor, without coats, without a smile, and pretending to want to disappear under his feet._ Levi made no comment on Eren's behavior earlier, but discreetly looked into the entrance for any sign of a coat or travel bag.

"No baggage?" Levi had never been subtle; either he didn't say anything or didn't take a detour.

‘Ahah, yeah, they're still in my car" Eren had nervously scratched the back of his head. "Tea before you go?" responding this time with a less than natural smile.

_Liar,_ thought Levi with annoyance.

"No, thank you. Have a good day." With this, he turned his heels and left without waiting for Eren's answer.

-

The rest of his day, he had tried unsuccessfully to not think about Eren. Their meeting had been brief and ended abruptly. Levi didn't know how to behave when he was lied to. Whether it was a little lie or a misunderstanding, he didn't understand the need to lie or divert a conversation rather than just say what needs to be said or just shut up. He usually chose not to say anything.

It was a little after 11 o'clock in the evening when Levi decided to go watch the nearby cottage. It was a habit he had picked up on every time a new tenant rented a cottage. He was going to check on the first night that everything was in order and that there would be no problem for the continuation of their stay.

The lights were off and no sound was coming out of the cottage. The calm of the night enveloped Levi as he looked towards the starry sky sighing with weariness. _One more night without sleep._ Maybe Levi should make himself some tea to pass the time.

As he turned back to his home, Levi heard the muffled sound of a conversation. He remained in the cold, stationed in front of Eren's cottage, but Levi quickly realized that something was wrong.

The voice sounds came directly from the master bedroom, the one where Eren would normally sleep. As he advanced to the bedroom window, Levi could better interpret what was said. _An argument?_ Clearly, it was not Levi's business to listen.

“I ... I'm sorry! Forgive me!” Eren's voice had lost its enthusiasm from this morning. “I should have been with you!”

Why did Levi stay there, he himself did not know. _You don't even know him. Stop trying to be a hero._ His jaw had contracted under the realization. _You're just gonna make things worse._

He continued to listen to Eren's complaints without intending to move for a while. Strangely, Levi only heard Eren speak. He hated this situation. Eren didn't seem to be doing well and his pain was evident in his voice.

As he was going to leave with the familiar feeling of a contained rage that had been beating his heart for far too long, he heard the voice of Eren.

“Leave! Go away! Get lost!” It was the cries filled with anger and sadness that led Levi to urgently enter the nearby cottage in the middle of the night.

Maybe anger was the last solution to _change._


	5. The Sleep of the Sheep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren recognized his gaze. He had the same expression as Eren when he looked in the mirror before going to bed. 
> 
> It was a look of disappointment, of anger, of disgust.

When he had finally entered his cottage, he sat down at the kitchen table. He hadn't walked around the place, nor even looked if there was food in the fridge. _It's alright._

Eren had to convince himself that this week away from everything would be beneficial to him. _You just need a break._ He tried to calm his breathing. _You'll get back in shape and everything will be the same as before_. Eren had always believed that he could continue to lie to himself. Maybe it was a coping mechanism. Instead of confronting his reality, he surrounded himself with lies without seeing the damage it did to him.

Always lost in the gaze of the nothingness that was his life, the blows at his door brought him back to the present moment. _Never a moment alone._ Eren tried not to panic. _Do as usual and everything will be fine._

_“I'm coming! Wait a minute!”_ His voice had resumed its usual intonation of joy. _Smile_. Eren thought. _Don't forget to smile._

He fell back to his starting point. His mask always went back to the gallot. He hoped that the person wouldn't linger. _Smile._ Eren was now in front of the door, hand in the doorknob. _Keep a smile on your face and don't let anything show._ He closed his eyes for a while to suppress the urge to simply run away. _Everything. Is. Fine._

Smile now deciding to stay in place, Eren opened the door. A man stood in front of him. _A very handsome man._ His smile of hypocrisy faded at the sight of him. The eyes of his interlocutor were gray as a sky heralding an eminent storm. _Piercing and commanding respect._

A shiver passed through him as he continued to detail the apparition before him. He was screwed. The man hadn't yet said anything, but Eren felt naked in the face of his inquisitive gaze. _Finish this quickly._ He felt sweat forming under the strain of having to speak.

-

Eren was stupid. _He knows._ The conversation had only lasted a few minutes but Eren knew that the man, _Levi_ , wasn't like the rest of his entourage. He had so much trouble keeping his mask of kindness and not just saying everything. He had kept his hands behind his back to avoid showing the tremors of fear that had accompanied him throughout the conversation. Eren still remembers the question that took him by surprise.

_“No baggage?”_ The way Levi had asked him suggested that he already knew the answer.

The ground falls out from beneath his feet. Eren didn't understand. _Why this question?_ He didn't expect to have to lie here of all places where he thought he was finally escaping all the artifice of his life.

_“Ahah, yeah, they're still in my car.”_ Eren was just a dirty liar. He had to create a diversion. Anything to stop the feeling of guilt that was already gnawing at him from the inside. _“Tea before you go?”_

_“No, thank you. Have a good day“_ He was just gone after that. Levi’s tone had suddenly become dry and disinterested as he looked at him. Eren recognized his gaze. He had the same expression as Eren when he looked in the mirror before going to bed. It was a look of disappointment, of anger, of _disgust_.

-

Following Levi's visit, he had sunk into a tsunami of emotion. One moment, he felt awful that he had lied again, the next moment he insulted himself to make a whole story of it. He hated having to constantly play a role. However, Eren didn't know how to stop. He was afraid to live in the open and having to face being seen for what he really was; _a bad person._

He had always been nervous about how others saw him. Nobody likes those who complained. No one wants to hear him say that today was not a good day, that he didn't want to go out with friends, or that he would have preferred to stay in bed. He had to be the friend who helps, who smiles, who has fun even when it's not funny, who will always want to listen when he would have preferred to tell them to shut up.

He remembers when his school friends realized that Eren rarely said no to a favor. He wasn't stupid. He knew when someone was manipulating him but he decided to ignore it. Maintain the false harmony. _You don't need to be happy._

When his friends asked him to copy a homework assignment, pay for the restaurant, take his father's car, go out on the eve of an exam, Eren felt forced to accept. _Be nice._ Strangely, he didn't care about having close friends, he just wanted to be seen as a good person. _You are just a narcissist and a liar._

Eren finally collapsed on the sofa, head heavy with remorse and desire to go away again, but this time from his cottage. He closed his eyes for what seemed only seconds before the sound of a call on his phone awakened him from his torments.

-

Eren had often heard that dreams were simply a mirror of his day. That his interpretation and the emotions he had felt during the day explained his restless nights. Maybe he was too sensitive.

“Eren.” His father had never bothered to greet him when he called him.

“What's it this time?” Eren's tone was tired and cold.

The only time Eren was himself was when his father was talking to him. He wasn't able to contain his emotions with him. He was always boiling from the inside and always seemed to bring the worst of Eren.

“I need money. I ... “ Grisha had now taken his beaten dog voice.

“No.” Eren felt a lump in his throat. “Stop calling me for that.” _Bad person._ He knew he was a monster for acting this way, but he couldn't continue to encourage his father in his addiction.

“You're so selfish! You're not even listening to what I have to say!” His father had quickly stopped trying to sound miserable and now took a choleric, accusatory, _honest_ tone.

“You could make an effort! I'm your father!” Grisha continued his shot without stopping to take a breath. “How many times have I paid you for the restaurant? How many times have I driven you to school? Have you ever heard me say no?” 

Eren felt weak again. His phone was on the coffee table in front of him as he held his head in his hands. He pressed hard on his eyes to hold back the urge to cry. _Why me?_ He sniffed loudly, his heart was beating in his ears, and goosebumps were all over his legs. _It isn’t fair._

“Eren! Are you listening to me? I just want 40$! It's not gonna kill you to lend me money!” Eren still hadn't said a word. His nose began to sting under the strain of holding back from crying. _Weak._

“Sorry, I'm not in town right now.” He shouldn’t have talked. His nervousness made him talk. The guilt of constantly having to be the villain in the story weighed on Eren's conscience.

“And what? You can't come and see me for two minutes with your car? Or make a transfer? You think I'm gonna believe you?” His father's tone was hateful and demanded Eren's complete submission.

“I have to hang up now. I’ll talk to you later.” He couldn't take it anymore

“No! You ungrateful piece of shit! Don't hang up on—” Grisha's voice died as Eren hung up the phone.

A minute didn't pass before his phone started ringing again. He didn't bother to look to know that his father was calling him again. _Why do I feel guilty?_

Eren decided to let his phone _ring_ and _ring_ and _ring_ again. He got up to lock himself in his room. As Eren settled on his bed, he felt the familiar feeling in his gut from when he was a child. _Monster._

-

He had never been able to distinguish his nightmares from reality. Some people claimed to know when they were in a dream or even decided the plot of their dream. Eren had never had that chance.

Before him stood his father and mother. As Eren moved on to his parents, anguish enveloped him like an old friend. He recognized the basement of his childhood.

“Eren, sweetheart?” Carla had spoken softly. A clear distinction with the present situation.

Eren couldn't answer his mother. The words hadn't come out as he finally looked at his mother closer. She had _no face._

Carla's eyes were just two black holes. She had no mouth, no trace of a nose to breathe.

“Eren, come closer sweetheart. I just want to hug you.” His mother had begun to move in his direction.

“No! Stay away!” He was so scared. He didn't understand why.

“He doesn't love you, Carla. I told you that kid was heartless.” Grisha, who had a distorted but still recognizable face, had a smile as he spoke.

“Eren, sweetheart.” Carla’s voice was nothing more than a murmure. “Do you resent me for being dead?” The crumpled hospital shirt she was wearing seemed to betray what Eren tried to deny.

“I ... I'm sorry! Forgive me!” Eren still couldn't move. He tried to move forward but Carla seemed to move away from him. “I should have been with you!”

“See Carla?” Grisha had started laughing while talking. “The boy doesn't care about you. He'd rather stay in his room than go see you.”

“No! I'm a good boy! I love you!” He cried without realizing that his tears were as real as his cries filling the room of his cottage.

“Maybe he wished for your death on your hospital bed?” His father was now facing him. Grisha's hideous face showed unhealthy joy in the fact of Eren's obvious sadness.

_Eren had to say something._

“Leave! Go away! Get lost!” He had shouted his words so loudly that he had woken up to the sound of his voice.

As Eren suddenly got up in a sitting position on his bed, sweating and breathing agonizing to find air, he didn't notice the gray eyes watching his state of torment.

He should have locked his bedroom door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gabi, you're the BEST!


	6. The Broken Seal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without making any noise, Levi had opened the door of the room just enough to look at the other side.

Levi had never felt at home. Whether it was with his many foster families, his supposed school friends, his colleagues, or just walking down the street. He was not the type to talk for nothing, or try to learn about others. He did not smile, didn't laugh and spoke only if necessary.

He never seemed to say the right thing when he was young. His words were often sharp and without understanding; he did more harm than good when he expressed himself. _Why am I like that? Why did I say that? Stop talking._ Levi had often repressed the urge to just send everyone to fuck themselves and say up loud what was said down. _Nothing good happens when you express yourself._ He was not the shy type, but he quickly realized that his presence left a chill in a conversation. As a result, he was no longer making the effort to integrate.

His only moments of joy were when late at night he was going to blow off steam in a 24-hour training room. He loved those moments of solitude where he was alone with his music in his ears, and the painful sensation of his hands under the effort of the work done. These last years had been difficult for Levi; he had more and more difficulty not exploding in anger. Sometimes, the mere fact that a person sneezes or breathes a little too hard exasperates him. His slaughter sessions had lain on full nights; _knocking, knocking_ , _breathing_ , and _again knocking_ with a hammer on a tire late at night.

The fatigue mixed with his aches and having to continue living in an environment that made him squeeze his fist in contained rage had been the point of no return for him. _I can't take it anymore._ Levi made his decision. _No more living like a dog in cage._

**-**

There are three kinds of individuals who rent a cottage in the winter season; those who want to spend a moment with family, those who want to have a moment for themselves, or those who want to run away. _From what?_ Levi knew that Eren hadn't come for the purpose of simply enjoying the scenery.

When he went in the middle of the night to the nearby cottage, Levi had expected to have to stop a couple's baffle. _Shit, I would have preferred anything but that._ He had rushed to enter and go to the bedroom door and asked if everything was all right but the screams had suddenly stopped. Levi didn’t understand the situation. He imagined a thousand different scenarios of what might be behind the door. The sound of his heart beating in his head, and his hands sweaty with anguish were evidence of his present state. 

Without making any noise, Levi had opened the door of the room just enough to look at the other side.

Before his eyes stood a man very different from what he had seen a little earlier in the day. Eren was on his bed, the blankets forgotten on the floor, and appearing to have seen the Devil himself. _A nightmare?_ Levi tried to calm his breathing so he wouldn't be spotted.

Eren was covered in sweat, white as a sheet and trembling like a leaf. Levi shouldn't have stayed, he shouldn't have seen his neighbor like that. _Why are you staying?_ The answer comes to him naturally; Levi didn't want to leave.

He wanted to understand who Eren was, the man who could bewitch with one look, the man who didn't know how to lie, the man who was crying now in his own bed.

Levi had watched without saying anything, his heart clenched in his chest and his fists clenched in anger at not being able to help. Eren seemed to be crying a lifetime of misery and couldn't seem to stop when without explanation he hid his mouth from his hands. _He must be in shock._ However, Levi didn't expect his reaction.

Eren had started _laughing_ as if two seconds before he didn’t seem to be on the edge of the abyss. It was a loud, excessive, _jovial_ laugh. Anyone would have thought Eren had just heard the joke of the year, but Levi was not fooled. He had already witnessed a similar scene when he was going hunting. 

That was the sound the rabbit made before dying. To communicate its emotions, the rabbit raises a cry to indicate whether he is frightened or feels pain. Eren was laughing at his grief, his anger, his desire to end his life. It was the last cry of an animal before its ending.

_It was a call for help._

-

On his way home that night, Levi couldn't sleep. Instead, he had gone to take refuge in the gym offered for employees of the cottage field. He shouldn't think about Eren. Didn't want to remember what he had just seen. His laugh still resonated in Levi’s head.

He had to think of something else otherwise he would have ended up cracking and going to see him to make sure he had fallen asleep. _Leave him alone._

But Levi couldn't keep his promise. He had begun to observe his neighbor. _Eren._ It was more than just surveillance, he was nervous not having the cottage in his field of vision. 

As Levi was reluctant not to follow his instincts shouting at him to go check on Eren's condition, someone knocked at his door.

_Damn Four-eyes and her unexpected visits ._ He already felt a headache storming him.

“I hope you brought cookies.” He opened the door without looking and left it open for Hange to come in. Levi hoped that this visit would help him not to think about Eren.

“Am I disturbing you?” _This is not Hange's voice._ He turned vividly. It was the sound of a hesitant, deep voice, and it produced a trail of chills down Levi's neck. He hadn't seen him in two days.

Eren stood on the edge of his door with an uncertain air on his face. He had a few snowflakes in his brown hair, and his shoulders only covered with a cloth jacket.

“Never.” _Shit, what are you saying?_ “I mean; come in and close the door behind you.” Levi had turned around to go into the kitchen. _Don’t say anything weird._

“Tea? I only have Earl Grey. Or water.” Levi was already beginning to open the stove and prepare a kettle.

“Tea, thank you,” Eren had resumed his cheerful voice from their first meeting. “I just wanted to come and apologize for my strange behavior last time; work is stressing me out a bit right now.” 

“No need to be sorry,” Levi now looked into the green eyes of man, wondering how to formulate his next sentence. “We all need to run away from our daily lives sometimes.”

_What are you afraid of?_

Eren simply smiled at his words and nodded approving without understanding the hidden implication.

“So, _Levi_ , tell me,” Levi couldn't help but appreciate Eren's way of saying his name. “What do you do with your days?”

This was followed by a conversation that lasted the time to finish their teas, then a dinner. Levi had spontaneously proposed to Eren to stay when usually he would never have thought to talk more than five minutes to a stranger.

Their evening had been enjoyable to Levi's surprise. _He's different._

Perhaps it was simply the fact that Eren was pleasant to look at, or that he spoke and listened to Levi without seeking to criticize him, or that he seemed as alone as Levi was in his cottage.

He had tried not to show his obvious interest in the life of his neighbor. Levi now knew that Eren worked in an advertising agency, that he was easy to talk to and was _single_. This last point had attracted Levi's attention.

Before leaving, Eren had wished Levi good night. His face lit with a smile indicating that he had a beautiful evening.

Levi couldn't contain the words that followed Eren's smile, before he left.

“Come back whenever you want.” Levi had the strange impression that he wouldn't see Eren again.

_I'll be here to listen._

-

Levi was standing in front of his kitchen window. He was watching Eren walking late at night on the lakeside, without a coat and head turned to the black water of winter. He felt a strange discomfort in his chest.

Putting on only his boots, Levi set off towards the nearby cottage to get closer to where Eren was. He then saw the unthinkable happen, _he just jumped_. His scream couldn't cross his lips under the shock of the vision in front of him. _He's crazy._

Starting to race, his mind only focused on one thought; _he must live._ His eyes were lost on the spot where Eren had jumped into the water. His race could have lasted five seconds or an hour. Levi would have simply wished to be faster to reach the dock. _Run! Faster!_

Adrenaline and fear made Levi lose his mind. The calm water of the lake contrasted with the panic state of his being. _Where are you?_ Several seconds passed without Levi being able to distinguish anything. As he approached the edge, Eren's head finally came out to take a breath of air. His arms had grabbed the wooden dock with despair while he seemed to try to catch his breath.

As he was about to call Eren, Levi looked with horror at the man releasing his grip and quickly sinking back into the icy water of the lake. _No!_ He shouted before jumping to follow him in his descent.

Getting out of the cold winter water had been difficult. He had not taken time to find Eren but the water had been a shock that had pushed him up without waiting. Eren always had his clothes, his eyes closed and his face paler than death itself. A black anger seized Levi.

Eren's hair wetted by the lake was now beginning to freeze under the harsh temperature of the day. While Levi didn't know what to do apart, beginning to shake him, Eren finally opened his eyes.

“Levi?” Eren's voice was weak from fatigue and cold.

_Calm down._ He tried not to let any of his distress show.

“Suddenly wanting to swim?” His words had come out more aggressively than he would have liked.

Instead of answering his question, Eren began to cough violently. He gave the impression of a child who would have been forgotten in the dark; afraid, sad, _lost_.

Not waiting to ask permission, Levi grabbed Eren by the wrists to lift him up. However, surely weakened by shock, he was not able to stand on his legs.

Levi, who was now soaked, distressed and terrified that he had a corpse before him and not a living person, lifted Eren into his arms. His grip was firm and left no chance of escape.

_It’s enough._


	7. The Blood-Curdling Call

These last days had been more difficult than he would have thought.

The night was synonymous with nightmares and cold sweats while during the day he was in a state of semi-consciousness wondering why he was still staying. _Nothing has changed._

It seemed that being alone with himself made his state worse. _You're still the same crying kid._

It was dark when he left Levi's cottage. He had not expected to stay that long with the man but he hadn't regretted going there. Levi had seemed surprised by his sudden visit but he quickly recovered by offering him tea for which Eren was grateful.

He had been pleasantly comfortable talking with Levi. They had talked about their respective jobs. The older man had done what Eren could never hope to achieve; leave everything without worrying about the consequences.

While the man had begun to prepare them a simple but tasty dinner, Eren knew he could not help but observe his host. _Small stature, short black hair, pale complexion and finely muscular physique._

Eren knew that he was attracted to Levi, and not just to his body but also to his personality. The man wasn't like the rest. Most people just wanted to believe what he was saying. He questioned Eren, tried to see beyond the surface of his words and was interested in his opinions.

His eyes had examined more closely without the other noticing it. Levi wore a black T-shirt with short sleeves. His back was wide and imposing, his arms cut out and stretched under the action of making food, and his black trousers rested on narrow hips and an ass to make a saint to be damned. _Gorgeous._

Eren nibbled his lower lip, wondering at why such a handsome man was here, _alone_ , indulging his company.

He knew that he had no chance to seduce the man. Aside from his somewhat advantageous physique in terms of height and his often complimented eyes, Eren was not there mentally. 

Who would want to endure his screams at night? Who would want to listen to him complaining about yet another bad day? Who would want to try to understand who he really was and love him in spite of everything? Eren was no fool. He knew he would be alone for as long as he lived.

After leaving to his cottage, Eren had tried to sleep. His belly full of food and his spirit in peace of having spent a pleasant evening should have allowed Eren to fall asleep without fearing any episode of cold sweat and tears. 

His old memories came hanting him during the night.

“ _What are you doing?_ ” His father's voice resonated in his old backyard. “ _Swim!”_

Eren had never liked swimming lessons with his father. He knew he would never have been good enough to satisfy his paternal exigences.

“ _E_ _ren! I told you to use your feet!_ ” The deafening shouts of Grisha commanding him not to sink were all that Eren remembers of those moments. “ _Stop crying and swim!”_

“ _Don't use your hands! Eren! You snot! Swim for God's sake!"_

His father's screams and his fear to drown woke him up late that night.

-

The water was freezing cold. _Perfect._ Eren needed to wake up from his nightmares.

As he stared at the lake water now partially frozen by the cold of winter, he had a moment of contemplation. Perhaps it was the fact that he was wearing his autumn clothes, or that he did not care about being cold anymore, but tears of anger started to flow on his cheeks blooded by the bite of the winter.

_Why was it so hard to live?_ He had a job, a roof over his head, food in his fridge, he was healthy, and had money in the bank. _What are you complaining about?_ He should be happy, but he couldn't. He was furious with himself. The water had never seemed so attractive as Eren approached the shore.

He was shaking, his breathing was fast and he was not able to bring enough air to fill his lungs. He knew he was about to have another breakdown. So he took a step. Then another one. He didn’t care about whether it was a good idea or not. The water suddenly surrounded him. This was it. _Swim or die._

It was like he had been thrown into an oven. The water was so cold that it burned Eren through his clothes. He couldn't move. His limbs were paralyzed under the threat of an enemy that couldn't be defeated. _No one's gonna mourn your death._

The lake seemed to want to devour him as he began to run out of air. His hands tried to scratch the surface of the water in the hope of clinging to life. His legs, still immobilized by fear, made his efforts flow. 

Maybe he was suddenly afraid of death, or so terrified of living that he no longer knew what to do to repel the inevitable of having to go up. _It was so cold._ He could no longer distinguish the top from the bottom as everything seemed to freeze in time. His eyes were closed so as not to face his reality. _You're insane._

He was no longer in control of his body, nor knew why his arms hadn't yet given up until he felt the answer with his hands. The wood of the dock under his fingers was his signal to try to get out of the water. He found the courage to make one last effort to climb up and breathe the air he desperately needed. 

The face frozen by fear and cold made the action of breathing difficult for Eren. His eyes had remained closed as he tried to look for air. _Why did you come up?_ His body had betrayed him. He had fought for a living when he only felt miserable all the time. _Coward._

Without taking the time to hesitate about his next action, Eren let go of the dock. He knew it was the only solution to end this madness. This time it welcomed the lake with open arms. He did not seek to catch the edge, nor even to take a last breath before drowning for good to the bottom of a world that had always rejected him.

Eren only realized when he was shaken vigorously that something was wrong. He was no longer in the water but on the dock of his cottage. Currently lying on his back and alive. _Where am I?_ He opened his eyelids weakly.

“Levi?” Eren didn't believe his eyes. _Why?_

“Suddenly wanting to swim?” Levi's voice seemed like a dream for Eren as he began coughing under the strain of breathing so much air at once.

The last thing he remembered was being carried away from the lake, away from a promise of no tomorrow.


	8. Lion-Baiting

Levi was trembling with all his being. The cold winter wasn't the cause for the condition in which he was right now. Eren was currently wrapped in several layers of blankets and in front of his cottage's fireplace.

“What were you thinking?” The words came out without realizing that he should have waited until Eren was completely recovered from the shock. Levi wanted to cry, but anger and nervousness had taken his being by storm. He was sick of being silent.

“You're an idiot!” His eyes didn't fix anything in particular as the emotion he felt was so vivid and difficult to contain. _Shut up. You're not helping him._ But Levi couldn't do it. 

“You could have died!” He wanted to vomit so much he couldn't refrain from shouting what had to be said.

“What good on living if you're going to ruin it!” Levi didn't let Eren talk. “You could have asked for my help!”

He wanted to hit the ground, split his fists under the blows that the wall seemed to beg him to do. He was a _hypocrite_. Levi would never have asked for help himself. But he just didn’t understand why Eren didn’t seek to fight for living. _He had just given up._ A shiver of fear had prompted Levi to jump into the water without a thought for his own safety.

Early on, Levi had realized that Eren was behaving strangely. _He isn'_ _t well._ His smiles hide an evil that was just waiting to come out. His lack of luggage should have sounded an alarm in his head. He never went out unless for his night swimming. _Was he eating during the day?_ Levi had never seen Eren go on errands during his stay.

“I'm fine.” Eren had spoken without looking at Levi. He was still sitting in front of the fire, his gaze lost in the flames while his voice was no louder than a breath. “Sorry, everything's fine.”

_No._ Levi was furious. _I won't accept that as an answer._ He was tired of holding back, tired of being careful of what he might say while it was the one who became sick of holding back from talking.

“Stop lying! Stop smiling!” Levi shouted what he should have said on the first day of their meeting. “Stop trying to be nice! It's no use what you do!” _Don't stop, tell him everything._ Yes, Levi had to face his own demons.

“You have the right to have a bad day! Shit, you can have a bad year if you want!” Levi was tapping his feet repeatedly on the floor. His blows were loud, powerful, and filled with hatred for life that wasn't _fair_. “Tell everyone to fuck off!”

Levi had begun to strike with his feet on the floor, his hands on the closest wall to him without a look at Eren. The pain he felt was what he needed. 

“No, I'm a good person.” A voice wanting to sound cheerful stopped Levi in his outburst against himself.

“I have to smile and laugh. I have to be happy.” Eren was calm despite the tremors of his body. _Too calm._ Levi didn't understand why he was the only one screaming. 

The man sitting on the floor didn't make sense. Eren had shown no sign of gratitude to be alive, nor of fear of nearly dying. _He had stopped swimming._

“Stop! Stop doing that! You're not well!” Levi's voice betrayed the emotion of fear that he had had so much trouble braking with anger.

“Be mad! Tell me what's wrong, but stop trying to hide it!” Levi could feel little tears of anger filling his eyes. He had made his decision.

_No more running._

-

“Scream, cry, but do whatever is necessary to return to Earth.”

It was so simple. Eren was watching without actually seeing Levi in front of him. They weren't far from Levi's cottage, an ax in his hand. It was shameful that someone saw him in this state.

Eren’s smiles and well-behaved behavior weren't fooling Levi, he knew it was just a mask. The weight of the axe in his hand seemed to weigh a lifetime of shame and frustration.

“Come on.” Levi seemed to want to pass on a message that he didn't understand. “Cut the tree.”

Eren’s hair was still wet from the water of the lake. He was currently wearing Levi's long-sleeved sweater, as well as his winter pants and boots. Eren felt tired, hungry and would have preferred to be alone rather than here cutting wood.

Slowly, he lifted the handle in a horizontal movement, opposite to the tree in front of him. The first blow wasn’t enough, making Eren tremble rather than the tree.

The edge of the blade had only pierced the bark but Eren had to use both hands to remove it. A sob escaped him. _Coward._ Then a second, and a third. He could see nothing but the tree. He didn’t know what was happening but he couldn't stop. The blows continued without interruption. _You should've drowned._ The silence of the forest was now disturbed by his madness. 

_Stupid, incapable, weak, nuisance, good for nothing._ Eren didn’t notice that he was speaking out loud rather than in his head. _You shouldn't live. You don't deserve to live._

The tree was now crying its sap under his repetitive hits. _How could anyone love you?_ When was the last time someone had given him a hug?

Eren wasn't able to stop. He didn’t _want_ to stop. The sobs became cries, and the cries became laughter. The sounds of the axe blows mingled with Eren's shouting. He had pain in his stomach from laughing, his arms from the weight of the ax, but his head was empty. He had never felt such relief. His laughters were ones of a crazy mind. He hadn't dared to express his rage freely, neither his disgust of himself in fear someone may see him. He knew he was nothing but unimportant waste but he had never felt as alive as now. 

It was unclear how long he remained there to strike with his axe but the tree had long fallen as Eren continued to hammer the center of the fallen trunk. After what seemed like a lifetime of insults and self-pity, Eren collapsed to the ground, the axe forgotten among the pieces of wood.

His breathing was irregular, heavy and seemed desperate for air. His cheeks were burned by the cold and wet by his tears. His throat hurt, and his body didn't seem to want to move. Eren was shaking. He had nothing left in him but regrets and loneliness. 

A hand came from the dark of the night to rest on his shoulder. Eren didn't have time to process the presence at his side, nor reacting to someone surrounding him in an embrace.

The smell of pines and rain struck Eren's nostrils as Levi glued him with his whole body. It wasn't just a hug. He seemed to tell Eren that he was here for him. That he wasn't afraid of him.

“Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for being here.” Levi's voice was only a whisper in the forest. “Thank you for existing. Thank you for letting me see you for who you really are. Thank you for deciding to _live._ ” 

It was as if the world had stopped for a moment. His heart was loudly beating in his ears but Eren could only hear him. _Who are you?_ He didn't think anyone would have accepted his insanity. How could he when Eren wasn’t able to look at himself in the mirror? 

An inexplicable feeling took place in his heart. _Levi had stayed the whole time._ He never had someone there when he was at his lowest, when his walls of lies and insecurity had fallen to show his real self.

Tears slowly escaped as he closed his eyes under the realization.Levi was still holding him tightly in his arms and Eren knew he couldn’t fight anymore those feelings. _This is what I needed_

As he sank into a sleep without nightmares, wrapped in the warmth of a brighter future, he slowly understood the meaning of gratefulness.

_Thank you for accepting me unconditionally._


	9. As The Crow Flies

The sun had finally risen in the sky when Levi woke up. Eren's screams had followed him in his dreams when he collapsed on his bed after returning from the woods last night. He had gone through a full range of emotions as Eren started cutting the tree. Anger, sadness, bitterness, misunderstanding, pride, gratitude, _possessiveness._

He couldn't help but express his relief to Eren afterwards. To make him understand the extent of his joy to be with him here and now.

_“Thank you for trusting me. Thanks for being here. Thank you for existing. Thank you for letting me see you for what you really are. Thank you for deciding to live.”_

As he rethought the events of the day before, Eren insulting himself without restraint and wishing he had never existed, a trail of chills ran across Levi’s arms and legs. He turned his head to the side in an attempt to chase away his thoughts. His eyes fell on a figure he never thought he would have seen in his bed. 

Eren slept peacefully to his right, his head half buried in the pillow and his body partially covered with a sheet. His hair fell on his face, his arms held the pillow as if his life depended on it, his knees were raised to his chest and his breathing was calm and steady.

_Adorable._ Levi couldn't think of another word to describe Eren. He raised his hand to gently move a strand of hair barring Eren's forehead. _How not to fall for his charm?_ Levi's empty gaze had slowly softened as he looked at him. He had forgotten that, on their return from the forest, he had directly driven Eren's tired body into his bed to make sure he would have a good night of sleep. He had fallen asleep after showering without thinking that someone was already there.

Levi's fingers retraced without real pressure, a small and thin nose, a soft cheek on the touch, and carefully, a pair of pink and full lips that haunted him from the very first day. He hadn't noticed that he had gotten closer to Eren's face during his exploration. He could now see the long, black eyelashes, the little spots made by the sun, and feel Eren's breath on his skin.

Levi quickly closed his eyelids when Eren's body began to slightly move to indicate his impending awakening. _Shit._ He tried to calm his breathing to give the impression that he was still asleep. _Breathe._ He didn't want to frighten Eren by imposing his presence.

He knew without seeing the exact moment that Eren opened his eyes; his breathing had suddenly stopped and his body had ceased to move. Levi knew he should act as if he just woke up but his curiosity pushed him to wait. _What do you expect?_ He was normally a calm person. Nothing seemed to interest him in life but at that moment he prayed that Eren couldn't hear the sound of his beating heart .

“Levi?” Eren's voice was no louder than a whisper. “Are you asleep?”

This should have been the ideal opportunity for Levi to yawn, open his eyes and claim that he had forgotten that Eren was sleeping in his bed the night before going in. _What are you waiting for?_ Only Levi couldn't resolve to move. Maybe it was the fear of seeing Eren disgusted to share a bed with him, or maybe it was that he wanted to know what Eren would do. 

-

Eren hadn't slept so well in a long time. The bed was firm, its pillow smelled good and the sheets were clean. For once he woke up without a headache, without thinking hatefully of himself. He would have liked to remain in that state of peace, where the world couldn't reach him and where he could breathe without fear of disturbing someone. _All good things come to an end._ Eren opened his eyes and immediately closed them. _A dream?_ His brain had to play tricks on him because only a few centimeters from his face was Levi’s.

_Probably a dream._ He opened his eyes again to observe the sleeping's face before him.

_“You shouldn't live. You don't deserve to live.”_ His grip on his pillow tightened more under the memory of the day before. _“How could anyone love you?”_

  
  


He had said everything yesterday. He had shouted, beaten, insulted his existence, and Levi had remained there in spite of everything. Eren had stopped trying to justify his attraction to Levi. It was a devastating feeling that he couldn't explain but welcomed as a breath of fresh air. When was the last time he had found someone understanding, kind, honest, funny, and who could be what he really wanted? Had he ever met anyone like Levi?

_“You have the right to have a bad day!”_ Levi's words still resounded in his head. _“Shit, you can have a bad year if you want!”_

He will never be able to express how much Levi’s words had disturbed him. Did he really have the right to fuck off the world without worrying about others? Maybe Levi understood something he didn't know yet.

“Levi?” Eren was hoarse with emotion. “Are you asleep?” He was still hoping to be in a dream.

He reduced the distance between their bodies centimeter by centimeter while he released the pillow in his arms. As he approached, he realized that the scent on the pillow he had smelled was actually coming from Levi. He could touch Levi's nose with his own. His eyes were wide open so that he could take everything that was in front of him. Ebony hair, porcelain skin, strong masculine features, pockets under the eyes sign from his many sleepless nights.

“Thank you for not giving up on me.” Eren would have liked to say more. “I don't deserve you.” He wished he could give the whole world to Levi.

Eren gently approached Levi's lips, his gaze burning with a feeling still too early to have a name on it, but Levi opened his eyes.

Eren froze on the spot. As he tried to step back, wanting to explain that he was sorry and that he was going to leave immediately, Levi filled the gap between their lips. Like a flight of birds, Eren's arms were immediately around Levi's neck. Their bodies clung to each other as Levi laid his hands on his back. One of his hands climbed up to lean on his neck, while the other feverishly descended into his lower back to press their hips together. The contact electrified Eren. He couldn't hold back his moaning of happiness from being so close to the other man. His lips opened so that his tongue could beg to get access to Levi's mouth. A deep breath coming from Levi’s nose was the only signal for Eren before a tongue joined his.

He couldn't wait any longer. With his legs, he circles Levi's hips to be able to change their positions. He was now sitting on all fours above while Levi was on his back, black hair scattered on the pillow. This kiss wasn't enough. _To hell with breathing_. He wanted to worship those lips. He wanted to be able to imagine them in his dreams, in his shower, on his body, wherever his desire burned. _I need you._

As he briefly resumed his breath, his mind funged by pleasure and his hips now moving on their own will to those nearby, Levi gave him the final blow.

“You are beautiful.” Eren opened his eyes to meet the grey ones charged with an emotion just as devouring as his own. “And you deserve happiness.” Levi’s voice was the only murmur in the light of the morning. 

Eren felt the beginning of tears filling his eyes. He didn't know how to act anymore. His mask fell. Levi was still looking at him like he was something to cherish, something that was worth the time to spend with. Their next kiss was a slow, tender, caring one. _I wish I knew you from the start._ Their lips couldn’t be apart long before craving for another passionate touch. Sweet moanings filled the cottage as flames were still burning the freshly cutting woods in the fireplace. 

This day was followed by another, and another, and yet another.

Maybe Eren never left this cottage far from the city, far from his work, far from his father, but closer to a happiness he could never have wished for.


End file.
